19 Nov Chamber of Sovereign Mastery #8 FAMILY
Family dynamics have a huge impact upon all our lives, from the family of our origin, to the families we build as adults. Therefore, locating ourselves with intention within the family dynamics we find ourselves in is an important aspect of the intentionality which The Idea of a Man™ is all about because our upbringing shapes a great amount of our psychological perception of our world and in turn our worldview. And our psychological perspective shapes much of how we relate to the world and therefore, how we relate to the families we build as grown ass men.
When this process is left to the subconscious, patterns tend to repeat themselves, which is fine until we witness negative familial patterns repeating themselves and past traumatic events recurring, or the trauma embedded epigenetically expressing itself in disturbing ways. This is what Resmaa Menakem in his book The Quacking of America calls ‘family traits’ in a powerful statement which I’ll quote below;
In an individual, decontextualised trauma can start to look like personality; in a family, like family traits; and in a people, like culture.
As men, we have a lot more influence and impact than we are generally credited for either by ourselves or other participants within our families. As the wheels of change occur in society and matriarchal ideology becomes embedded in a lot of the thoughts and actions of members of our evolving society, as men we can sometimes feel lost in the sauce, resulting in us feeling underappreciated. This underappreciation can express itself generally in one of two ways: passive aggression or rageful aggression depending upon the impact that trauma has had upon us and the Unresolved Shadows within the archetype of The Warrior within our personalities.
However, an immense opportunity is available to us if we are prepared to invest in ourselves and develop ourselves as individuals.
Invariably when we adopt the position of victim in any scenario we make ourselves Prey for Predators, or to avoid being taken advantage of we may feel our only option is to – strike first and as a result we become the predators; this is another example of the ‘either’, ‘or’ thinking of our internal Shadow Government. This time though the archetype of The Magician running Survival Mode programming will have to be transcended if we are to go from Survive to Thrive.
The key here to resolving the; ‘either’, ‘or’ in our shadow is Transcendence. – To rise above the apparent options. Shadow Government’s – internally and externally always operate from the Divide and Conquer Playbook. So rather than subscribing to ‘either’, ‘or’ ideology the Transcendent Way is to cultivate integration. Therefore, in the case of The Warrior spoken of above, when we embrace the archetype of Our Inner Warrior rather than diminishing them into shadow or overcompensating for our Sense of Powerlessness, we recognise that as individuals we have Strength and Power, thus we have an aspect of ourselves which can Take Action in the world and influence outcomes and impact our environment.
This reorienting of our position in life, the recognition that we are not victims and an understanding that in fact our Magician Archetype is representative of Our Mind. Therefore, rather than our minds playing tricks on us we can ‘use our minds’ to find creative solutions to life’s conundrums and bring Harmony where there is dysfunction and Wealth where lack and limitation wish to assert themselves.
This perspective is empowering and enables us to recognise that by removing blame which only causes depression and taking personal responsibility for leading our lives and becoming intentional in how we show up as men within the family dynamics within our lives we can become generative as opposed to parasitic individuals.
At this point our families can actually become Support Networks.
And at this point rather than our children having to compensate for our unlived lives as the famous Carl Jung quote goes, we can ask them what they want to do and then we can support them in their endeavours.
If as men we are in our ‘Immature Masculine’ or we still have unresolved issues in our shadows we may find ourselves expressing attention seeking behaviours, or end up shooting ourselves in the foot in critical moments. My wife and I’s therapist in Couples Therapy coined it in an illuminating way which gave my wife a startling insight when he said simply; ‘Men, – fuck up!’
And a glance through my own history bears testament to this reality, and a glance through His-Story surely testifies to the same – if we’re honest. Therefore, – if we’re honest, the coined phrase ‘Toxic Masculinity’ holds more weight than at times we may wish to give it credit for. However, when it shows up in our behaviour and impacts our precious families, we have as adults to take responsibility for how we are showing up.
To not do so, to not interrupt the patterns of the past and allow dysfunction, limitation and lack to permeate, or the shadows of addiction or abstention to prevent us from connecting in meaningful, loving ways from the archetype of The Lover toward our families is to abdicate the sovereign throne which only we can assume within our own lives which will result in our either overcompensating for our lack of Wholeness and Perfection by behaving as a mini dictator seeking to maintain control over the lives of our nearest and dearest or abdicating any sense of personal authority and leadership in how we live our lives and contributing minimally because we have bought into messaging which would suggest as an individual, or even as a man that we have nothing to offer.
When we feel like this the allure of the Left-Handed-Path may begin to derail us from the Right-Handed-Path, because we feel compelled to seek to manipulate or control others in response to our limited purchase on personal self-control or we assume the position of door mat and let others make all the decisions while we sit back never having to take the blame or responsibility for how things fall out meaning we can rightly say, ‘it’s not my fault!’
We need to realise that both these modes of showing up are manipulative, its just one is more directly aggressive while the other is more passively aggressive. The hands off approach which while keeping our noses clean, also ensures that our lives are at best half-lived, and we become simply caricatures of an existence floating through time and space unless or until we are exposed because we’ve been living a double-life. Few of us as men are in fact as passive as we present ourselves in our families when we have decided to tune out because we find our contribution is not accepted, many of us just find other outlets where we feel consciously or subconsciously more in control, accepted, and responded too. What we may not have realised is that because we have only learnt to live from the ego and the authenticity of our Soul’s has been put into shadow, what we are giving to our lives and by default of our families is in fact but a shadow of what’s possible for us, but a passing cloud of the depth, width, height and breadth we’ll be able to contribute when we do work to have a greater understanding of and expression of who we really are. Hence our initial question in the first Chamber of The Idea of a Man™ – ‘Who Am I?’
Again ‘either’, ‘or’ thinking must be transcended. The transcendent view embraces the Lover Within first. Love-for-self is always the prerequisite for the effective expression of love for others. Therefore, healing the wounds of our inner Lover is imperative in our maturation process and the cultivation of our Idea of a Man™.
Cultivating our Idea of a Man™ is Self-Love. Giving ourselves permission to discover and embrace our truth and take responsibility for leading our lives with clarity, direction and intentionality is an act of Sovereignty, it places us into the Driving Seat of our life and makes us the Master of Our Ship. Not anyone else’s – but most certainly the master driving the direction of our own lives. The full understanding of this and how important this is and its liberating impact upon your life will inspire you to give this gift to others. Being secure in your right to exist without Apology or Justification, your right to give yourself the permission to live an intentional life where you pursue the use of your gifts where you get to share the truth of who you are in the realms in which you have influence and impact which first and foremost may well be your family circle enables you to inspire others to be their Sovereign Selves also.
This is a transformational image when contrasted against the patriarchal norm. It is a perspective which recognises that we live in a world of abundance. Therefore, there is enough glory to go around. The limelight can be shared. And me fulfilling and living my dreams need not infringe upon or impede the discovering and embracing of the dreams, aspirations and purpose of others.
At this point our families can actually become Support Networks.
And at this point rather than our children having to compensate for our unlived lives as the famous Carl Jung quote goes, we can ask them what they want to do and then we can support them in their endeavours.
Then, just like when they took their first baby steps as toddlers, likewise as they form their initial attempts at whatever endeavour or enterprise they put their hands too, we can cheer them from the sidelines and support them to get back on their feet when they fall, to go again because we’re secure in ourselves and far too busy being about our own business to micromanage and seek to inveigle beyond our bounds when we’re engaged in the use of our own gifts, calling and purpose and passionate about others doing the same.
Living like this will heal our intimate relationships with our significant others as well as our family lives. It will cause transformation and positive energy to trickle down within our family units. Therefore, rather than being a man seeking to control The Feminine – (women and children), we bring the gifts of our Mature Masculinity to our significant others. Think, – if the programming ‘code’ of the universe is Zeros and Ones; when as men we are confronted with the Infinite Possibility of the feminine ‘0’, rather than seeking to corral and control the uncontainable leading to mutual frustration we simply ask, ‘what do you want to do today?’ And because our passion has become to observe another living passionately, because we have already given ourselves permission to do so within our own lives – supporting the expansion, genuine expression and unlimited potential in another becomes an Unparalleled Joy!
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