16 Mar It’s Not Good For Man To Be Alone?

I framed the title of this article as a question, because I feel the jury’s still out on this one. Why? You may ask. We’ll while at face value we admit ‘no man is an Island’ and a self made man is myth. Behind every great man is a great… etc. But I have noticed that some men are overly attached to the idea of having to have someone in their lives. 

Now invariably there is nothing wrong with having others participate with us on the journey. And of course many of life’s richest, most meaningful moments are those shared with a beloved other.

But I’m struck when I read the masculine in relationship again for the 3rd time how the author G.S. Youngblood insists that if we want to see change in our relationship, we may not be the problem, but we are the solution.

This idea in some ways is a lonely one. And I think taking this kind of responsibility can be hard for some of us because we’re so addicted to others that the idea of taking responsibility for ourselves is daunting.

The shadows of the lover archetype within our personality are the poles of addiction and abstention. When we are addicted as a lover, we find ourselves looking outside ourselves for acceptance, love, and the feeling of being okay. When this doesn’t work we can swing to the other pole of abstaining from connection due to the pain and grief caused by the many let downs this neediness within us invariably causes.

Therefore, the transcendent way I feel is where we look within and discover the wealth of self-love and self acceptance we can administer to ourselves. The wealth of companionship and good company we can potentially be to ourselves if we’ll only take the time to get to know ourselves. 

Some people really struggle being by themselves. I know when I was a young husband, even after I had children, when I was at home on my own and my wife and kids were out, I felt out of sorts. It’s difficult to define the sensation, but it was almost like I had a jumpiness and unease. Part of me worried about them and another part of me I realise now was just uncomfortable in my own company. 

I’ve spoken before about unresolved issues. Another reason why it is important to resolve the unresolved in our lives is when we have unresolved stuff the internal chatter can be so loud. So in the absence of the distraction that others naturally bring to our lives we are left with the chatter, confusion and unconfronted in our lives.

This is all the more reason why we need to sit down with ourselves sometime and listen carefully to what is going on and interrogate ourselves. 

For me I guess I’ve begun to make more of a habit of this of late, I do it sometimes while meditating and I get to do it when I am on my own. It’s a lot less uncomfortable now that I have done some work – the work with my therapist has been invaluable in this respect, therefore, when I’m on my own I’m able to enjoy an internal peace that was not possible in the past. I don’t feel drawn to behaviours in order to try to distract myself, and most of all I do not feel lonely. 

That’s huge, not feeling lonely. One of the wounds I had to clear up in my life was specifically the fear of loneliness which in fact was a wound I discovered in my Lover Archetype. The way I was ostracized at school by other kids for being mixed race made me long for connection with the world in a way that I had never addressed. Until invariably that day when I recognised it for what it was and was able to bring healing to that wound. 

Recognition and awareness have been amazing parts of the process for me. Also realising how pervasive the emotions were and being able to make sense of the compulsion to people please when I understood the energy behind this and where in my life it had originated from.

So when I encounter men in men’s work circles leaving a relationship and quickly pursuing another companion to fill the gap, I get it, but another part of me knows that the dissatisfaction they may experience with their own company is something which they may need to overcome and heal before they can bring their individuated, whole selves into another intimate relationship.

That’s just my thoughts from my journey and coming to where I value my company and am beginning to develop a much more meaningful relationship with myself.